I’m a sexual fetishist and paraphile. My fetishes (plushophilia and hard vore) are basically the only things that can do it for me. If a woman wants to try something intimate but without either of those kinks she can’t get any reaction from me. I’ve lost one relationship partly due to this problem. How am I supposed to tell a girl that I can’t be excited by her?
Your sexual style is well entrenched, and is an important part of who you are, so it seems sensible to seek a woman with matching interests. It’s not impossible that there is someone – perhaps within the fetish community – who, even if she does not share exactly the same erotic interests as you, would be open to a mutual exchange of styles.
Such a woman would be less likely to take your difficulty with vanilla intimacy too personally. Without such a sensibility, you are bound to continue feeling isolated. But even within the kink community be aware that “tops” sometimes knowingly or unknowingly exert a belittling influence on fetishistic “bottoms”, which can lead to lowered self-esteem and increased self-loathing, so choose someone with genuine respect for your preferences.
Negotiations need to take place to ensure a sense of fairness between you. Consensual give and take is an essential feature of such an arrangement, and will only enhance the way you establish the non-sexual side of your relationship.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments).